someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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