It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
