did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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