I'd wear matching sweaters with you
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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