i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I need to align my fucking chakras
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
