I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
