woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
