What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
