I will die if light touches me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
