The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
