Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
