I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
