I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
