if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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