Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
