why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
