Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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