I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
