how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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