I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Boobs are out for the taking
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
