Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
