Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
