It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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