sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
