Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I smell stomach acid.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
