Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
