: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
