What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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