Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
