i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
