My liver just broke up with me...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
