Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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