ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
