It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
