I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
