And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
