your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
