nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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