4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
