Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
