there's paper in my vomit.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
