i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
