Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
