im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
