well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
