can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
