I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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