do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
