I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
