the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
