I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
